Being Open to Life: Motherhood & Making a House a Home

Sitting here at my perch in front of the kitchen table,
a hot cup of freshly French-pressed coffee,?

a banana-chocolate-chip breakfast cookie to nibble on (c/o Bethenny Frankel and her genius recipes)...

my house is fresh, clean and sparkling and I swear I can feel it in my soul. Its like I was under the spout where the glory comes out. New. Woman.

I've been absent the past few days from the internet because I have been scouring my little abode up and down. I had a little come-to-Jesus over housekeeping last week.

Now, first of all, let me explain: I have always been rather domestic.

Before I got married, I was supremely happy with my part-time job of being a frequent babysitter/nanny to a large family of young children. I made more than enough money for my college-student expenses, and felt so much satisfaction in this job of chasing after rambunctious, lovable children, ?I never felt the need to wait tables or bartend or do any of the other "normal" and more fast-paced jobs most of my peers opted for.

Oh yeah, in the summers I lifeguarded, but lets be real, that job is such a joke. I was a poser.

So when I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after my wedding, it was a matter of fact that I'd be staying home with my future baby.

I love being with babies, after all, and I do believe that children thrive with a certain calm, peaceful continuity of care in their daily lives. And I definitely can't afford a good nanny.?

Had I had time before learning I was pregnant to pursue a real career?- you know, at least partially related to my major? as in politics or law or teaching - the decision would undoubtedly have been much more complicated.? I still haven't ruled out someday having a career, at least a part-time one, or going back to school. But that's a long way off from right now.

Last year, I was treading water keeping after all the meals in the house (grocery shopping and cooking), all of the cleaning and all of the daily care of my baby. And just getting to know him!? When people asked if I stayed at home, I'd breathe, "Ohhhh yes". I genuinely had no idea how women balance even part-time work with a small baby, and still stay happily married! I think Jason and I would have ended up in huge fights all the time over whose turn it was to do what had we both been working out of the house. Though I am sure that if that's what you're called to, both spouses are given enough grace to avoid that situation! :)

But lately, I've caught myself not feeling as confident as before about my stay-at-home status. We are in a weird transition stage once again... Mr Baby is still too young to start pre-school stuff,?but at the same time, he's getting a little more big and independent with each passing day, and I have more energy thanks to 8 hour nights of uninterrupted sleep, which I suppose has left me feeling somewhat restless.



It was sneaky though - I just noticed that when people ask if I'm working or staying at home, I found myself (unnecessarily) giving a little monologue as to why I am unable to find a job that pays enough to bring in any real profit outside of the cost of a good daycare program, and then what's the point! Blah blah blah...

Why am I defending this? I'd wonder, hearing myself hastily explaining these personal, irrelevant details to others. This is the 21st century! There is no longer a "rule" for all mothers to follow - whether that's "Everyone must be a good feminist and have a real?job" or "Shame on you for not staying home with your babies!"... I know this, so why the subconscious insecurity?

Catching this defensive attitude in my formerly-content-self spurred a little soul-searching. Am I doing my job right? I wondered. Is one toddler and a small house enough to make up a full-time job?

I even sent my poor little resume out a few places. Most times it was ignored or politely declined, but the few openings that I seemed to qualify for gave me cold feet. I am simply not ready to drop my child off at daycare. Not for an entry-level job that pays hourly.

I forgot too, that Jason has been off school the past few weeks... a welcome break that sadly ends this coming Tuesday. I have only connected with a handful of other moms whose husband's are in MBA programs... but it has been so encouraging to feel someone else is understanding of the huge toll that takes on the whole family. It really doesn't matter if you have 1 or 3 kids... having a spouse taking evening classes is like taking another job.?

I have earnestly sought the grace to be patient and loving... and generous... with the absence of my usually-dedicated-and-dependable husband. Exam week was the hardest, above all... I barely saw him for 2 straight weeks.?

Given the amount of Jason's absence, whether he's at the library studying or in class, or working late (which is not infrequent), ?were I working outside of the home during Jason's school semesters, our happy, confident, well-adjusted 18 month old would barely see either of his parents.

So far, I haven't snapped or been sarcastic or sour about the time my husband has to take away from home. I've even pushed him to take extra time away to workout or meet friends from school at a pub, cause I know he needs to blow off steam and healthily release stress.

But in the meantime... I worry about the load he carries with his school and the MBA, and I wonder, is my job a full-time job? Or am I not doing it right?

Turns out, I kind of wasn't. I had gotten used to treating the house the way you have to when you have a breastfeeding infant... You know, you keep after the bare essentials of clean sheets and underwear, hot meals and swept floors... But you learn you can't sweat the small stuff when your energy level is not dependable. The socks go missing in the bottom of the laundry basket for weeks on end during a month of teething... The bathrooms are unattended to unless they start to look dingily like they need a scrub-down... Some nights dishes hang out "soaking" in the sink until you can get to them in the morning... And the cabinets sit forlornly in utter disarray. Don't even bring up the closets.

I would have the odd day once a week or once every other week, where I had the unexpected energy needed to scour everything from top to bottom... But there have been plenty of days and nights that a somewhat tidy home had to be good enough.

I was brought up in a big family.
I was taught how to cook very well, and I had several chores that I completed regularly with competence. (Every Saturday, without fail, I had to clean out the refrigerator). But, being brought up in modern America, I, like most young adults my age, was not taught the rhythm and regular routine of true housekeeping.

?If I could describe my housekeeping in one word it would be:?reactionary.?

And then I discovered this incredible book.?

Home Comforts: The Art & Science of Keeping House, by Cheryl Mendelson, does what my modern upbringing did not... teach me how to manage my little domain with the precision and thorough care that one would manage a small business.?

"Those who lacked grandmothers or mothers who wanted them to learn about housekeeping usually never did learn anything about it and continue to regard it as alien territory. As adults who want good, well-run homes, they may succeed in mastering some practical skills, although a surprising number do not. Far more, however, find themselves quite conflicted about attempting domesticity. Their thinking is: I may do this dusting or laundry, but this is not really me.

Unfortunately, what a traditional woman did that made her home warm and alive was not dusting and laundry... Her real secret was that she identified herself with her home. Of course, this did not always turn out well. A controlling woman might make her home suffocating. A perfectionist's home might be chilly and forbidding. But it is more illuminating to think about what happened when things went right.

Then her affection was in the soft sofa cushions, clean linens, and good meals;?

her memory in well-stocked storeroom cabinets and the pantry;?her intelligence in the order and healthfulness of her home; her good humor in its light and air.

She lived her life not only through her own body but through the house as an extension of her body; part of her relation to those she loved was embodied in the physical medium, of the home she made."?

- Home Comforts, p. 8-10.

[Just in case you were wondering, this author, far from being an oppressed pre-feminist, was a full-time lawyer who still wistfully longed for the domesticity she learned from her Italian and Irish grandmothers on their working farms. She finally found a way to embrace both. Her book is not just for SAHM's... she gives tips and suggestions for every homemaker's situation - whether working, at home, parenting, married or single. It is truly updated and flexible enough to be the modern domestic's bible.]

[just fyi this pic is from last night - lest anyone think I drink red wine before 5 pm]

DID YOU KNOW that you're not really supposed to make the bed right away in the morning? For crispy, fresh sheets, you need to leave the bed turned down to air out for at least 1 hour in the morning, before making it up.?

And dusting is not something extra you should do occasionally. I am embarrassed about this, but I honestly had no idea it is supposed to be done at least several times a week for the greatest health and comfort in the home to prevent allergies... And that includes little things like lampshades and air-conditioning filters!

My housekeeping up to this point was, if things looked dusty, I dusted them. If we were out of clean clothes, I washed them. Once in a blue moon I'd take off the sofa-cushion upholstery and put it through the wash... but I certainly did not have a system or rhythm for such tasks.?

Since we have an inside-dog that sheds a good bit, ?plus a crawling/rolling/playful toddler, I have been very regular about the floors. But again, I didn't have a specific routine with them.

The past few days of implementing a rigorous routine and a higher standard of excellence and orderliness within my home has been unbelievably satisfying. Exhaustingly hard work, and I feel a bit achey when crawling into my *fresh n' clean* bed at night, but I am so proud of myself.

But I've come to realize something, over the past few days of therapy in cleaning.?

Raising a child is a full-time job, no matter how you slice it.?

Even without keeping a pristine home. You don't have to add anything to "make" raising a child a full-time job.?Either you or your spouse embrace the full-time requirements of this job,

or you hire someone else to do it full or part-time while you work at something else.?

But someone has to do it. The existence of well-paid nannies is proof enough that everyone knows it is?a *real* job.?It is hardly a black-and-white decision to make - whether you do this job 24/7, or whether you pay someone else to do it for some of that time.?

And it does not make you any less of a mother if you have a great career that is fulfilling and exciting in its own right,?

just as it does not make you any more of a mother if you stay home and absent-mindedly neglect your baby.?

It has to be a decision you come to willingly and freely, or else it is just not fruitful. I?am so grateful for the opportunity to stay home with my baby.?

Some days it is a sacrifice. Some days I feel like I should do something more to refresh my mind after too many Eric Carle books. Or something makes me feel intelligent and up to date with the rest of society. Being a Stay at Home Mom, I worry sometimes that my children will take advantage of me as they grow older, because I was always available.?

Somedays you feel underappreciated, overwhelmed and burnt-out. Other days, you feel as if you need to take on something more - which has led me to amping up the housekeeping, freelance writing in places like this?and that, and distance running.

If I were working, I know I'd feel guilty and anxious about missing this short season of huge milestones with my child.?

Motherhood is a job that comes riddled with anxiety, no matter how you approach it. There is no perfect way to do it, just as there is no perfect mother out there.?

But for me, for now, I am excited about learning how to be a very competent housewife in addition to being "just" a mother. And in my clean, cozy, dust-free home, getting to hear every "vrooom" and "beep beep" from Will's corner of plastic trucks,

I feel as content as it gets.

Source: http://beingopentolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/motherhood-making-house-home.html

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